ATHLETICS_DEPARTMENT.EXE
IABATHLDEPT. OF ATHLETIC IDLENESS

DEPARTMENT STATUS: TECHNICALLY ACTIVE

INSTITUTE OF APPLIED BOREDOM

Athletics
Department

Excellence in activities requiring varying amounts of effort.

VIEW DEPARTMENT PROGRAMS
VARSITY TEAM: THE FIGHTING SLOTHSTEAM MOTTO: GO TEAM. EVENTUALLY.

Department of Athletic Idleness · Division status: adequately organized

WELCOME_MESSAGE.TXT

OFFICE OF VARSITY PARTICIPATION

Welcome to IAB Athletics

Where participation isn't everything.
It's pretty much the only thing.

Our programmes provide structured oversight for activities previously believed to require neither coaching nor a governing body. Prospective athletes of all demonstrated and undemonstrated abilities are encouraged to review the available departments.

SEASON: ONGOINGSTANDINGS: UNCHANGED
DEPARTMENT_PROGRAMS.DAT4 RECORDS FOUND

INITIAL SUB-DEPARTMENTS

Department Programs

Programme offices are accepting inquiries. Event registration will open when the necessary clipboards arrive.

ATHL / TRACK

Track & Field

Phone-Free Division

Walking. Running. Occasionally standing.

ENTER PROGRAM OFFICE → ATHL / FIELD

Field Events

Hand-Eye Coordination Studies

Throwing harmless things toward other things.

ENTER PROGRAM OFFICE → ATHL / LIQ

Low-Impact Questnetics

Pushing the known boundaries of how little effort can technically constitute athletics.

ENTER PROGRAM OFFICE → ATHL / RECR

Competitive Recreation

Activities nobody realized required a governing body.

ENTER PROGRAM OFFICE →
PROGRAM OFFICES: 4 OPENEVENT BRIEFS: 10 FILED
VARSITY_EVENT_DIRECTORY.DAT10 EVENTS FOUND

OFFICIAL VARSITY ROSTER

Choose an Event

Every sanctioned IAB Athletics event now has an official brief. Select a listing to report directly to the correct programme.

  1. TRACK & FIELDThe Phoneless 100-Minute Dashphone-free endurance →
  2. TRACK & FIELDHigh Jump (Off the Couch)vertical transition →
  3. TRACK & FIELDLong Walk to Nowhere500 paces →
  4. TRACK & FIELDCool-Shaped Stick Steeplechasetrail observation →
  5. FIELD EVENTSShot Put (Phone-Toss on Mattress)soft landing required →
  6. FIELD EVENTSDiscus (Skipping Stones)permitted venues only →
  7. FIELD EVENTSThumb Wrestling with Real Humansone willing opponent →
  8. LOW-IMPACT QUESTNETICSSynchronized Ceiling Staringteam observation →
  9. LOW-IMPACT QUESTNETICS26.2-Minute Marathon of Doing Absolutely Nothingindividual endurance →
  10. COMPETITIVE RECREATIONCompetitive Queueingpublic patience →
EVENTS AVAILABLE: 10ENTRY FEE: $0.00
ELIGIBILITY_CHECK.SYS

STUDENT ATHLETE REQUIREMENTS

Minimum Eligibility Standards

Applicants meeting some, all, or none of the following standards may proceed directly to recruitment.

ATHLETIC ABILITY
OPTIONAL
EXPERIENCE
NONE
TEAM SPIRIT
WHATEVER
ABILITY TO STAND UP
PREFERRED
ELIGIBILITY REVIEW: PASSED, PROBABLYPHYSICAL EXAM: HONOR SYSTEM
RECRUITMENT_NOTICE.TXT

NOW RECRUITING

IAB Athletics is currently accepting absolutely everyone.

No tryout, highlight reel, recommendation letter, demonstrated coordination or previous knowledge of the rules is required.

RETURN TO IAB CAMPUS
ROSTER CAPACITY: YESRECRUITING OFFICE: OPEN-ISH