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VOL. 1 · ISSUE 006THURSDAY, OCTOBER 22, 2026PRICE: $0.00

A COOLSIDEQUESTS PUBLICATION

THE DAILY QUEST

All the news that's fit to ignore.

NUMBERED EDITION ISSUE #006

SPORTS

LOCAL RUNNER ADVISED TO DEPLOY PARACHUTE DURING 100-METRE DASH

Spectators draw comparisons to professional drag racing.

Saturday's community track meet took an unusual turn when a spectator began offering drag-racing advice to a competitor in the women's 100-metre dash.

Jenny Miller, who had entered the event despite having little competitive running experience, was approaching the halfway mark when the shouting began.

"RUN, JENNY, RUN!"

Jenny kept running.

As the other competitors began pulling away, the spectator became increasingly enthusiastic.

"JENNY! YOU'RE IN LAST, BUT YOU'RE STILL IN IT!"

Several people in the stands turned to watch.

One spectator remarked that Jenny's performance was beginning to resemble a dragster approaching the end of a quarter-mile track.

Both were travelling in a straight line. Both appeared committed to reaching the finish.

As Jenny entered the final stretch, the man rose to his feet.

"PULL THE CHUTE, JENNY! YOU NEED TO SLOW DOWN!"

By this point, his daughter was laughing so hard she could barely remain seated.

Jenny crossed the finish line without deploying a parachute.

She had finished last, some distance behind the field.

After catching her breath, Jenny approached the stands, smiling broadly.

"That was pretty good, wasn't it?"

When asked how she thought she'd placed, Jenny seemed genuinely pleased.

"I thought I might've won."

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NATURE

JUNE PATEL TAKES UP BIRDWATCHING, BECOMES INVESTED IN PERSONAL LIFE OF CROW

Beginner birdwatcher concerned about disagreement near feeder.

June Patel borrowed a pair of binoculars from her brother last Wednesday with the intention of learning something about birds.

A week later, she admits she hasn't learned much about birds in general. She has, however, become thoroughly invested in the activities of one particular crow.

"He's got a little white feather on his wing. I call him Stanley."

Stanley visits June's backyard most mornings, usually accompanied by another crow she has named Patricia.

On Friday, the two appeared to have an argument over a peanut.

"Patricia took it, and Stanley just stood there," June explained. "Then she flew off."

June watched the entire incident from her kitchen window.

She is reluctant to speculate about the nature of their relationship but believes Stanley could benefit from being a little more assertive.

Her brother has since asked for his binoculars back.

June has offered to buy them.

"Things are a bit complicated with Stanley at the moment."

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COMMUNITY

MARGARET DOYLE ENTERS PIE CONTEST, WINS AWARD FOR PLATE

Local baker says she wasn't aware plates were being judged.

Margaret Doyle, 68, arrived at Saturday's Fall Harvest Pie Competition with a homemade apple pie, a handwritten recipe and forty years of baking experience.

She left with a ribbon for Best Plate.

"I didn't even know that was a category," Margaret said.

Neither, apparently, did the judges.

Her pie received favourable comments, particularly for its golden crust, but failed to place in any of the competition's three baking categories.

The plate, however, attracted considerable attention.

"It's got little blue flowers around the edge," Margaret explained. "I bought it at a garage sale for fifty cents."

Competition organizer Denise Harper admitted that Best Plate was not an official award.

"We had an extra ribbon," she said.

Margaret has already started thinking about next year's competition.

She's keeping the plate.

The pie was eaten on Sunday and received considerably better reviews.

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AROUND TOWN

AROUND TOWN

HAROLD FINCH SPOTTED NEAR POST OFFICE

Harold Finch, who recently discovered an entire neighbourhood four blocks from his home, was spotted Tuesday examining the town's post office.

Witnesses say Finch appeared surprised to learn that the building had been there since 1962.

His wife, Margaret, has asked residents not to encourage him.

OUTLOOK

TODAY'S WEATHER

FORECAST: Mostly cloudy, with occasional opportunities for optimism.

WIND: Coming from somewhere. Going somewhere else.

OFFICIAL ADVICE: If you see a patch of sunshine, take advantage of it. It may not be there when you get your shoes on.

FIELD WORK

THE DAILY ASSIGNMENT

OPERATION: GIVE IT A SHOT

The Daily Quest Sports Desk would like to remind readers that you don't have to be particularly good at something to enjoy doing it.

Try an activity you've never tried before, or revisit one you haven't done in years.

Shoot a basketball. Skip a stone. Try a little dancing. Take a beginner art class. See how far you can throw a paper airplane.

Nobody's keeping score.

BONUS CREDIT: Have so much fun that you completely forget whether you were any good at it.

Participation is voluntary. Parachutes are not required.